27/01/2019

1:28 AM

Mau jadi apa Pepe nanti?

when i was just a little girl, i just dream that one day, i will work in the company for good position.

and thought that i can help anybody with my money

i wanna as rich as posible for helping as much people as possible.

back then,

i just play alone with myself and my mbak who already have their daughter right now.

i still remember how i missed my daddy when he went to other cities and i left in Palembang with my mom.

I remember that old day

grow up,

when i go to junior high school,

i start knowing the world and wanna be like other kids in my school

i start talking harsh word like them, judge people and me myself like how they judge the world

but, 

what so funny is, i am still active in church,

my mom and my dad still go to church almost evveryday

almost.

i am looking for my self back then.

when  my dan iis in his high position in that company, i do what other girls do. 

Looking for a boyfriend, watching korean drama which can really affect my mood! hahhahaha

time's spent so fast, until i recognise that i was already in my senior high school.

in my first grade, i still take my arrogant, i still wanna be what other girls wanna be.

i still view the world like how the see it

until one day,

i start to decide that i need to leave em all

and i believe, that can be happend because of God

i made decision not to make friend with them, start to look after myself since i had so many mistakes back then.

i started listening to daily enlightenment every day,

started reading bible every day,

started praying 30 minutes every day.

That was when i was in my 2nd grade of SHS (it means when i was 16 years old, and it means it was 6 years ago)

it change me a LOT

my mindset started to be changed.

i learn a lot how to treat other people in nice way

how to not using mask when talking to others

how to control my mind, my will

eventhough, i had to lost almost all of my besties.

and until now, i still doesnt have the really really really real close friend who i can share my idea with, who i can share my deeply heaart feeling with.

but i found HIM, as my refugee

and now im here

at newton barat 3 no 22

staring at my laptop after watching teacher;s diary which been finished litteraly just few minutes before writing this blog.

i am so glad that i am working now, i am so thankful that i can join in company.

but i often thinking that this work doesnt suit me and i start complaining about their dirty behavior.

i just feel so exhausted when seeing them in that happy face when they are manipulating the data.

i feel so stressed

but i know, there is lesson before this periode of time.

i know He is doing something in my life

i am so grateful that i can be here,

sitting in this room with nice mattress and other things, 

but,

i dont wanna be distracted with all of these facilities.

i dont wanna make any mistakes any more

i dont wanna go back when i just wanna be like what others want

i wanna be like what He want me to be

i wanna be a little girl who have sincere heart who wanna be useful person for other people

i wanna make God smile for everything ive done

its been 6 years after starting making decision to follow HIM, but there are still a lot of homework to do for fixing my self.

for repairing and managing my mindset

for controling myself even when iam with handy

how to keep faithful to God in every way that i pass

and can worship Him with honest heart,

i know i was worng God,

i did it many times since i move here.

but i dont wanna do that anymore

i want to cintrol myself in every step that i take,

since i need to achieve my goal.

If someone ask me who i wanna be, i will answer him, i wnna be BA expertise, so i can help so many business in Indonesia, buat not only for medium high income family, but also low middle income family, as they dont have any prior knowledge for analysing their sales data. i wanna help so many people as i can ( whom He want me to help).

whereas, in my deep heart,

i just wanna be a little girl, who always want to listen what God's want and do it and make Him smile.

i made so many mistakes,

but im so so so so so so sorry God.

please teaach me, and dont ever let me go.

because,

without God,

i cannot do anything

i need God becasue He is my teacher, my bestfriend, MY EVERYTHING

sincerely,

pebe